The 1 Toxic Mistake That’s Damaging Your Relationships & The 4 Steps To Never Repeat it Again

In the 'On Purpose with Jay Shetty' podcast episode titled 'The 1 Toxic Mistake That's Damaging Your Relationships & The 4 Steps To Never Repeat it Again,' Jay Shetty delves into the destructive habit of scorekeeping in relationships and offers a four-step solution to overcome it. Shetty begins by acknowledging the strain that relationships have faced during the pandemic, noting that for some, this period has amplified pre-existing issues. He poses a critical question to the listeners: Do we often find that people do not measure up to our expectations? He points out that many of us are guilty of keeping a mental tally of others' shortcomings and our own perceived acts of generosity or righteousness, which ultimately leads to frustration and resentment.

Shetty introduces the concept of 'keeping score' as the toxic mistake that harms our relationships. This behavior involves tracking the times people disappoint us and the times we feel we've been the bigger person. Shetty challenges the listener to reflect on whether they have set up tests for their loved ones to pass, only to be disappointed when they inevitably fail to meet those expectations. He emphasizes that this approach is not constructive and detracts from noticing the positive aspects of our relationships.

To address this issue, Shetty presents a four-step framework, encapsulated in the acronym DEAL. The first step is to determine whether the irritating behavior is a deal-breaker. If it's not, the second step is to embrace the behavior as a part of the person you love, possibly even finding humor in it. The third step, 'ask,' involves having an open and honest conversation about the behavior in question. The final step, 'love yourself,' focuses on self-compassion and not allowing others' actions to control your happiness. Shetty concludes by highlighting the importance of recognizing the different ways in which we and our partners support each other, rather than expecting a tit-for-tat balance.